When “Trying Harder” Doesn’t Work | PDA Parenting Series — (Part 2)

Part 2 — When “Trying Harder” Isn’t the Answer

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned parenting a PDA child is this:
Trying harder doesn’t fix the thing people think it fixes.

Not for him.
Not for me.
Not for therapists, teachers, or anyone supporting him.

For years, I believed he should be able to do one more rep in PT.
One more turn in speech.
One more activity in OT.

Because the intention is always good, right?
“We just want him to succeed.”
“We want progress.”
“We want to help.”

But what I see now — what I can’t unsee — is this:

Sometimes the push is the problem, not the skill.
People assume avoidance = defiance, fear, or a need for motivation.
But with PDA, avoidance is the nervous system saying:

“This is too much. I need safety first.”
For a long time, I thought I had to try harder, too.

Advocate harder. Fix it harder. Smooth the path harder.

But no amount of “harder” rewrites a PDA nervous system.

Safety does.
Understanding does.
Trust does.

And trust often means stepping back exactly when everyone else is stepping forward.

The Invisible Tightrope

Every therapy session has a moment where I’m balancing something only parents of PDA kids understand:

Is this “I’m at my limit,” or “I’m struggling but still capable with support?”

It’s rarely obvious.

To outsiders it looks like:

 

  • refusal
  • argument
  • avoidance
  • disinterest
  • “behavior”

To me — his mom — it looks like:

  • rising tension
  • the crack in his voice
  • the shift in tone
  • the shuffle of his feet
  • the glance to the side
  • the shallow breath

Small things that mean big things.

And when I misread it, I feel it for hours afterward.
Because PDA isn’t a child’s burden — it’s a whole family dynamic.
This work is relational — not behavioral.

The Myth of the PDA Child “Not Trying”

If I could give every professional one message, it would be this:
PDA kids are trying. You’re just looking for the wrong kind of effort.

PDA effort is NOT:

  • compliance
  • pushing through
  • perfect task completion

PDA effort is:

  • staying in the room
  • trying again later
  • offering an alternative
  • negotiating (instead of exploding)
  • saying “I’m done” before things fall apart

These are victories — real, meaningful ones — even if they don’t look like the neurotypical version of progress.

Letting Go of Shame

There was a time when I felt embarrassed.

Not by him —
by how people judged me.

The stares.
The suggestions.
The whispered “Have you tried…?”

As if sticker charts were cure-alls.
As if PDA could be out-behaved or out-rewarded.

Now I know the truth:

My child isn’t broken.
I’m not a bad parent.
And PDA isn’t a behavior issue —
it’s a nervous system profile.
Once you understand that, everything changes.

Next in the Series:

Part 3 — Understanding the Nervous System Behind PDA

Why pressure feels unsafe, how the brain shifts into protection mode, and what “capacity” actually means.

Coming January 15.

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